How Bad Do You Want It?

by Shawnong

I am starting this post with no clear end-point in mind so pardon me if anything sounds incoherent because I’m just ranting and typing whatever comes to my mind. So here we go. The week ahead is going to be a busy one, lined up impolitely with tests and a brutal competition to end it off. Things are going to get ugly. I am caught in this situation whereby I want to do well for both. The CT1 prefaces the year ahead and sets your momentum, while National Juniors is a major competition stage where I want to set a good PR. However, in the midst of my preparation, I am shrouded in a cloud of doubts and self disbelief. For example, I never really get around revising my work on time and I really drag it on quite a a a bit albeit not as much as previously. But what this tells me is, do I want this bad enough? What am I studying for? Why does the computer appeal to me more than my work? Is it because I don’t want the good grades badly enough? Or i just kinda want it. I came across this quote today by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “One of the illusions of life is that the present hour is not the critical, decisive hour” I am highly irritated with myself and my decisions. I mean this quote holds so much relevance to my life and it should be having a deep impact. But why does knowing the meaning of something,not tie in with putting it into practice? Is it my ignorance or am I too weak to step out of my comfort zone and start working my arse off? Also whenever I am satisfied with the amount of revision I have achieved and set out to attempt some test questions, I just fail miserably and this really dampens my confidence. It shouts to me that either I have not prepared enough, or I am just incapable. Similarly for track, I am majorly lacking in self-confidence. For one moment, I am super hyped up and pumped. I feel like I am invincible and able to utterly crush any one I race against. Like losing is not even an option. But then the next, I start questioning myself and I become full of doubts again: “what ifs” float around my mind and I just can’t get back into the “BEAST” mode. What is happening? Is there a secret to constant self belief that leads to dominance?  I would sure like to find that out. But I want to embark on this journey by myself. Sure others will be there to support me and render help. However ultimately this is me and me alone and no one else can run the race for me. Therefore, it all boils down to who wants it more. Who is willing and able to bleed more on the battlefield. I want to emerge victorious. I don’t want to lose. I want to be great. It is my last year in SJI, i won’t leave empty-handed. Am I ready for it? I really hope I am. I hope I find some source of motivation and inspiration next week. But for now, it is physics and SS tomorrow. After which, hopefully I can do some blocks to first 3 hurdles to make me a beast again. Ora Et Labora. Beast signing off. Beast needs to sleep. Beast will be out there so whoever hates me will have to watch me win.